Alright. so its 11:28pm 2/10/2015.
i will turn 20 in half an hour. and all that i know is im drawn in indecisiveness, hopes and hopelessness 😦
part of me wanna let this over. like, its just my bday. isnt it? people have bday everyday. its not a big deal if people dont remember m bday.
but like. i know deep inside, i still want (and wish) people to remember. the thing is that i/ve always wanted to be loved and adored. i just wish, for once, my friends will hold me a surprised party. im surrounded by friends, beloved people, they singing happy birthday to me, while im standing among them, happily surprised, holding a cake … and it will become a memorable memory.
this time last year i was on a trip with my ex friend. yes, Bray, his name. it no longer hurts me to recall the past. but like… the birthday was perfect. i was in Nha Trang with him. and at midnight, my friends sent me text, called me, wished me without any trace of my DOB on facebook. yes. they remembered it. i was so happy back then. and Br bought me a cake and sent me a long message. i was so happy.
but this year i feel like everything has changed. everybody has either left me (uhm, Bray. he left me.) or our friendships have faded away. i have no FRIENDS in Melbourne. i mean, aside from Binh. He surely remembers today 🙂 and thats all…
you know what makes me a bit disappointed? its like…sometimes i remember people’s birthday. and i wrote a card for them. or/and buy them gift. and yes, i expect smt in return. who doesnt? when you do goods, you expect people to at least remember it. but it seems like no one does that to me. no one GIVES A SHIT when my birthday is, and write me a post card. is that too hard to wish for?
Deep down inside i always hope i be like Trang Olive. look at her birthday. she goes home with flowers, and gifts on her bed, nicely. i wish the same too. i wish i had an amazing, loving boyfriend who gives me flowers, lots of them, when i wake up. then gifts. i want to feel like a princess on my birthday. i want to be like Lily in How I Met Your Mother… Marshall do everything for her.
I miss Bray, too. in his birthday i wanted to buy him David Cooloff. i was so confused. he is the only one i want to buy that perfume. and that perfume “happen” to be the thing i wanna give to the man i love. but at that time i was in rrelationship with Jaxon.
I wish my parents buy me something. like, uhm, you know (shhh).
My mother doesnt seem to remember it. hell yeah she doesnt reply me when i wish her birthday (like seriously. NEVER AGAIN.). but my dad does. he is the only one that asks me “what do you wish for your birthday”, in 1/10! wow. 2 days prior. he cares about me lots doesnt he? and like he counts the day i have gone to Australia. almost the 7th every month he text me “today is 10 months you been to Aus”. such sweet.
but i just wish to be pampered and remembered today.
i feel like dont have many real friends. people are too busy with their lives. and relationships faded by distance. i force myself to think it okay and etc..
but for once, i just wish to feel fulfilled.
my life is so empty now.
i want laughters.
remember my 18th birthday? and 16th? and 20th? and 12th?
now my life is so empty.
okay. so before you say my life is pathetic, i will just need to fix something. i have friends here that’s willing to come to my bday party, if i throw it. some even asks me how i feel today when this time last year i was travelling, some says omggg no Hayley you gotta do something, some say they will write me a looong posts on facebook…
but, hell yeah, as im such a conflicted bitch, i want people to remember it without me revealing it. thats all. so just let the day does by without saying anything to see whos gonna remember. just this year, okay…
i know they say “if you want something, just ask for it.” i want a boyfriend this year. but i thought i would. it came close. very close. but it doesnt. i wish a surprise party. but it doesnt. so ….
life will get better. and i believe i deserve a dream birthday. it will happen 🙂
OH YES ITS 12:01 AND I JUST RECEIVED A MESSAGE.
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT :’)
OH MY GOSH SHE EVEN TAGGED ME ON A POST. SHOULD I JUST OPEN MY TIMELINE AND LET PEOPLE POST IT? EVEN FURTHERMORE LET BDAY SHOWN ON FB? SHIT WHAT AM I GONNA DO?? ATTENTION ATTENTION!!!
OMG SHE IS CALLING.