The Harvey Specter Inquiry

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20.

Alright. so its 11:28pm 2/10/2015.

i will turn 20 in half an hour. and all that i know is im drawn in indecisiveness, hopes and hopelessness 😦

part of me wanna let this over. like, its just my bday. isnt it? people have bday everyday. its not a big deal if people dont remember m bday.

but like. i know deep inside, i still want (and wish) people to remember. the thing is that i/ve always wanted to be loved and adored. i just wish, for once, my friends will hold me a surprised party. im surrounded by friends, beloved people, they singing happy birthday to me, while im standing among them, happily surprised, holding a cake … and it will become a memorable memory.

this time last year i was on a trip with my ex friend. yes, Bray, his name. it no longer hurts me to recall the past. but like… the birthday was perfect. i was in Nha Trang with him. and at midnight, my friends sent me text, called me, wished me without any trace of my DOB on facebook. yes. they remembered it. i was so happy back then. and Br bought me a cake and sent me a long message. i was so happy.

but this year i feel like everything has changed. everybody has either left me (uhm, Bray. he left me.) or our friendships have faded away. i have no FRIENDS in Melbourne. i mean, aside from Binh. He surely remembers today 🙂 and thats all…

you know what makes me a bit disappointed? its like…sometimes i remember people’s birthday. and i wrote a card for them. or/and buy them gift. and yes, i expect smt in return. who doesnt? when you do goods, you expect people to at least remember it. but it seems like no one does that to me. no one GIVES A SHIT when my birthday is, and write me a post card. is that too hard to wish for?

Deep down inside i always hope i be like Trang Olive. look at her birthday. she goes home with flowers, and gifts on her bed, nicely. i wish the same too. i wish i had an amazing, loving boyfriend who gives me flowers, lots of them, when i wake up. then gifts. i want to feel like a princess on my birthday. i want to be like Lily in How I Met Your Mother… Marshall do everything for her.

I miss Bray, too. in his birthday i wanted to buy him David Cooloff. i was so confused. he is the only one i want to buy that perfume. and that perfume “happen” to be the thing i wanna give to the man i love. but at that time i was in rrelationship with Jaxon.

I wish my parents buy me something. like, uhm, you know (shhh).

My mother doesnt seem to remember it. hell yeah she doesnt reply me when i wish her birthday (like seriously. NEVER AGAIN.). but my dad does. he is the only one that asks me “what do you wish for your birthday”, in 1/10! wow. 2 days prior. he cares about me lots doesnt he? and like he counts the day i have gone to Australia. almost the 7th every month he text me “today is 10 months you been to Aus”. such sweet.

but i just wish to be pampered and remembered today.

i feel like dont have many real friends. people are too busy with their lives. and relationships faded by distance. i force myself to think it okay and etc..

but for once, i just wish to feel fulfilled.

my life is so empty now.

i want laughters.

remember my 18th birthday? and 16th? and 20th? and 12th?

now my life is so empty.

_____________

okay. so before you say my life is pathetic, i will just need to fix something. i have friends here that’s willing to come to my bday party, if i throw it. some even asks me how i feel today when this time last year i was travelling, some says omggg no Hayley you gotta do something, some say they will write me a looong posts on facebook…

but, hell yeah, as im such a conflicted bitch, i want people to remember it without me revealing it. thats all. so just let the day does by without saying anything to see whos gonna remember. just this year, okay…

i know they say “if you want something, just ask for it.” i want a boyfriend this year. but i thought i would. it came close. very close. but it doesnt. i wish a surprise party. but it doesnt. so ….

thats okay.

life will get better. and i believe i deserve a dream birthday. it will happen 🙂

OH YES ITS 12:01 AND I JUST RECEIVED A MESSAGE.

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT :’)

OH MY GOSH SHE EVEN TAGGED ME ON A POST. SHOULD I JUST OPEN MY TIMELINE AND LET PEOPLE POST IT? EVEN FURTHERMORE LET BDAY SHOWN ON FB? SHIT WHAT AM I GONNA DO?? ATTENTION ATTENTION!!!

OMG SHE IS CALLING.

kì cục thiệt

sáng nay nhận đc 2 mail. 1 là từ lawrie approve subject, 2 là từ la trobe approve transfercourse

thiệt buồn cười thế. đúng kiểu đời tôi

cứ mong ngóng, cố gắng, sợ sệt chuyện gì thì y như rằng nó chẳng bao giờ theo ý muôn

còn cứ k cần nữa,biết chấp nhận những cái mình đang có thì nó lại xảy ra (thường là 1 thời gian sau)

đôi lần tuyệt vọng

thất vọng nhiều đâm k cần nữa\

thì lại có

nói chung chẳng còn emotion gì

When i lost you i cried like a child lose his mother.
I couldnt make myself believe you dont love me anymore.
But its okay..
I loved you with all my heart. Like a child loves his mother.
And even if you dont love me anymore…
I still love you. Like a child love his mother.

And if there is a day i dont love you that way anymore…
Its okay. I loved you. Like a child loves his mother.

Where are you?
Im still waiting to tell you my stories. Ive got a lot lately. Too much that Im like a little fish swimming in a bowl full of new experiences, new realizations. Just waiting for you to pour my soul into. Waiting for you to come here, sit by my side and listen to my nonsense. I wanna tell you about trips, the people ive met, the places ive been.

So where are you? Where are you now?
Im still here. Im right here…

It is 4am. Im alone in my hotel room. Unable to fall asleep.
When the person deeply close to me left, i was hurt. Until now half of me still. And the tears is the proof.
But the faith i have tattooed on my mind. I must not give up. Knowing the path im going i will struggle a lot, but new people will come. And i will not be alone. Or even if i am, i still got myself.
“I Wont Give Up” is being played, as the complete silence causes me headache.

Hers

“I believe one of the sexiest moment of a woman is not when she’s naked, but when she smokes.
She makes the decision of lighting another cig of her life. She knows the cost. She knows it harmful. But she still decides to light up another cig. Sometimes just to kill the loneliness inside. Sometimes just to guiltily enjoy her joie de vivre.

She is sexy.”

For you,

I hope someday you’ll see how hard it is to find someone who truly listens to your words, and carefully analyse you.

I hope someday you will see how serious i am when i say “i wanna show you the world”.

I hope someday you will find me different
, for I might not wash clothes, but be the one who design your closet. For i might not wash the dishes (alone), but be the one who drink with you and listen to your childhood stories. For i might not make the bed after wake up, but be the one who choose the drap colour, and mess it up, again, at nights.

I hope someday you will see how fucked up i actually am, so that you will realise you’re not alone.

And i hope you will also say to me this, for i can promise i can always say to you:

Phụ nữ cung Sư Tử.

Tôi định xăm biểu tượng cung Sư Tử lên ring finger tay trái của mình.

Tôi có ấn tượng rất mạnh về phụ nư cung Sư Tử. Ko phải tự nhiên mà những người phụ nữ tôi thần tượng đều là Leo hoặc có Leo element: Marilyn Monroe, Cara Delevingne, Coco Chanel. They are so strong, so independent and dignified, and thats what i like the most about a woman.

Not that i see myself most alike a Leo woman. If i simply tattoo the sign i most alike i would rather choose Gemini or Sagittarius. But Leo is what i want myself to become. Im not that strong-willed, determined yet. because im so inconsistent. Im not that decisive, because im so indecisive. But im not that kind of woman who will fall crumble down on the floor moaning whining waiting for a man to come and rescue. Tôi k thích con gái yếu đuối, ỷ lại và thích phụ thuộc. tôi đã từng như thế :)) nhưng giờ thì không, vì tôi không thích thế.

ngày trước đợt đi làm tình nguyện, tôi gặp một anh học Y, thihs chụp ảnh và học cả psychology. anh này cũng thinh thích tôi nhg có người yêu 5 năm cmnr (chung thủy ghê). anh bảo tôi là “an irresistible woman, so hard to handle. right the first time i saw you”. isnt it great? to be hard to handle? tôi cũng tự nhận mình vô cùng khó để handle, trong chuyện tình cảm. người đàn ông đó phải như thế nào mới handle được tôi.

nói thế thôi. lảm nhảm nhiều làm chi. ttôi đi shopping đây.